Gasp.

I will no longer be posting blogs on blogger anymore. Instead, I'll be using tumblr.
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3.30.10

Ups:

• My suicide prevention presentation at Skyview went well.
• Very little homework
• Read 27 chapters of the Bible!!!

Downs:

• Didn’t get to write my rap.
• Napped today.
• Bad habits are coming back.

Song of the day: Cassie - Flyleaf

Thoughts:

• Excited to do my rap.
• The story of Job is really interesting because it can apply to many of our lives. A lot of people from church right now might be experiencing the same thing as Job did, maybe not as extremely, but the message basically is: God is testing us. No matter how bad you think you have it, don’t give up on God. Whatever obstacle He’s put in front of us, He’s doing it to test and strengthen our faith. He is loving. Trust in Him.

3.28.10

I don’t think I should do updates EVERYDAY anymore. My life is too boring, so maybe like every other day or so? Or whenever something cool happens to me, haha. [which doesn’t happen often]

The Ups:

• Went to my mother church QBC, haven’t been there in a few weeks.
• Seeing my little group of friends from QBC.
• Uploaded pictures from the birthday party yesterday
• Ate my mom’s homemade pho.
• Very little homework today.
• Had a decent conversation with Elizabeth. (LOL)
• Danny Chae
• Invited a friend to GPC who I have not seen in a long time. :)

The Downs:

• Bible study was very boring today. I need to get into it.
• Took a nap
• School tomorrow.

Song of the day: Did you Feel the Mountains Tremble - Hillsong

3.27.10

I've decided to do updates of my life every day. It's a simple and easy way to tell everyone how my day was. The ups, the downs, whatever. I don't want to go deep into the problems in my life in these updates. Of course I'll still have those long blogs that talk about in depth topics, rants, confessions, moods, yah know. I just want these updates to be straight forward and simple. Thanks Sharon for the idea. :D

The Ups:

• Went to Picnic Point for Milal. It was super relaxing and fun.
• Skipped rocks. Haven't done that in FOREVER. (I got seven skips with one rock!)
• Met a really cute girl.
• Went to my friend's surprise party.
• Startripped for the first time!! Funnest thing ever.
• Getting busted by cops because we were startripping too loud. They were so nice though.
• Spending time with friends.

The Downs:

• Driving to Edmonds Woodway for the basketball tourny, then randomly feeling really sad. I ended up driving home without even stepping inside.
• Feeling like I was annoying someone. It made me feel unwanted.
• Eating ramen for dinner.
• The hostess of the party, one of my good friends, got upset towards the end of the party; It made me sad.

Song of the day: In my Head - Jason Derulo

Current Mood: Tired

Coward

The Call this month was definitely a little different. I really enjoyed the activities we did in the beginning; We had a bunch of laughs and the third toilet paper activity was a good way to start things off. But after we split into groups of boys and girls, that was when things were getting really hard for me. We were supposed to go deep, not talking about surface level things, like “Oh, I have family problems” or “Yeah, school is really stressing me out.” Everyone talked about their deepest secrets, their most shameful sins.. Except for me. As each person in the circle spilled the truth, tears streamed down my face. Funny thing though, I don’t really know why I was crying. Was I shocked of what they said? In awe of the boldness and courage? Or was I just scared of spilling the truth myself? I guess it was a combination of the three. When it was my turn to talk, I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I just wept and apologized. It was so pathetic of me. I’m a coward. I’m afraid of the judgment. Afraid of the negative change that will occur. I love everyone at GPC. I already know this. But after The Call, I re-realized how much I really love these people. I had an amazing time just being with them after the prayer meeting. I felt like I was at home. All the laughs we share, the things we say to each other, all of the moments we have. I don’t want to lose them. I really don’t.

Broken

A lot has been on my mind the past few days.. Well, they've always been in my mind, but just lately they've become bigger problems. Problems that have been in my life for a long time, and problems that are just newly emerging. I don't like blogging. I can never fully express how I feel through writing; It's hard to get the full picture just by reading my blogs. Another reason why I don't like blogging is because it takes FOREVER to write. I suck at writing and it takes a long time to translate how I'm feeling into words. (It's currently 7:59 as I'm starting, let's see when I'll finish.) But I guess it's one of the best ways to tell others how I'm doing, so I guess it's worth it.

I don't even know how to describe how I've been feeling.. Lost? Angry? Sad? Sick? Maybe broken? I don't know what it is, but it feels like crap. I guess it's not just one thing that's contributing to this crapiness, but a lot of different things. Here are just a few:

I live with two people. My mom and my younger brother. I love them both so much, but I don't feel close with them at all. They've made home a place where I don't want to be. Whenever I talk to either of them, it always ends up being an argument. My mom always yells at me. Whether it be about not studying enough, constantly reminding me to do my homework WHILE I'm doing my homework, being lazy, staying home too much, NOT staying home too much, too much church, whatever. It's like she has nothing good to say. But I don't want to make it seem like I'm complaining, because some of it is my fault. Whenever I'm at home not doing homework, I'm either napping or on the computer. I can see why that might anger her. She needs help around the house and I'm not doing anything. I'm so useless when it comes to helping my family. And it's sad. I'm talking about how I don't enjoy being at home when I have the power to change that.

The relationship I have with my mother is actually a lot better than the one with my brother. I never really was close with my brother. I mean when we were younger, sure, but as we grew in age, we grew apart in distance as well. We are two completely different people. A lot of people say we look similar, but that's probably the only similarity we have. We argue, but over the dumbest things. When we disagree over something so insignificant as let's say, who gets to shower first, it could end up in a fist fight. Anger gets the best of me when it comes to my brother.. Especially when he brings up the topic of God, which he does in 90% of our arguments, which reminds me of the one we had two nights ago. We were fighting over $10... which honestly is not a big deal, but what really pissed me off was when he started insulting my faith. I forgot what he said exactly but it was along the lines of, "You're so gay you Jesus lover" blah blah blah. I got SO pissed and I just snapped. The argument ended after about ten minutes of shouting at each other. At the end, he told me, "Shut the fuck up and go pray." I replied by saying, "I will. I'll pray for your sorry-ass life." I made a huge mistake. Not only did I say that, but I told him that he was going to burn in hell. For the past year or two, I've been consistently praying to God, praying that my mom and my brother would open up their hearts to God, accepting Jesus as their savior. The things I said to him that night was NOT a good way to show him God's love for him. I screwed up, and it was all because of my temper. Everything is MY fault.

That night I prayed prayed prayed. I asked for forgiveness from God, hoping that he'd give me another chance with my brother.

On top of all of that, there's other stuff bothering me too. School, church, friends, etc, I don't wanna get into it and bore you guys. I feel like I'm writing a school essay, ugh. Please just pray for me and my family. Pray that I can be bold and mend this brokenness. Thank you.

(It's currently 11:18, it took me a little over 3 hours to write this fail blog. Blah. These words can't even express half of how I feel, but it felt good letting it out. I guess that's all that matters.)

Peace.

Whatevs.

It's really depressing when you find out that your mom actually loves your little brother more than yourself. Life can't always be fair, and there are a lot of factors that contribute to that. But guess what? I'm just gonna have to suck it up and try to stay strong. Whatevs.