Let me start off by saying that I don't blog too often. Reason being is because I find it hard to convert the feelings in my head into words. (Plus I'm a lousy writer) But bear with me.. I hope this blog post makes sense.
Day after day I feel as if my life is being wasted away. That I am forever going to be stuck in a hole that will lead me nowhere. I constantly tell myself, "I'll be a better person tomorrow" or "It's okay if I sin today, God will forgive me and I will repent later." I always tell myself that I will change, but empty words will not change anything. I need to support them with action.
Yesterday was The Call, and the spirit of God really opened my eyes and made me realize that I myself needed to make that change that I was always seeking for.
There are two main changes that I want to make:
Leading
One of the things that Jisoo wanted us to pray for was about the seniors leaving for college and the next generation stepping up to lead the youth. At school, I'm in ASB leadership. I do whatever task is given to me, and sometimes I don't like doing it. A lot of the time, I don't feel like a true leader. I lack the servant's heart, the ability to reach out to a diverse group of people, and boldness. This is the one of two things that I plan on changing. During the prayer meeting when Sam Choi asked "Who here has the heart to lead? It doesn't matter if you want to, but who here feels the spirit of GOD wanting you to lead the youth?" No one said anything for a while. I knew in my heart that God wanted me to raise my hand and walk into the circle, but I was afraid. After about 20 seconds, Ling stepped into the circle. Then after about three or four more people stepping in, I myself then walked into the circle, and they prayed for us. (That right there is proof that I lack boldness.) I know as of now, I would be incapable of being a leader at GPC because of those traits that I lack. But I am praying and trying for that change. I can see and taste the feeling of being a true leader in the future. By next year, I will be ready.
Shamefulness
This cycle of sinning and asking for forgiveness from God. I want it to stop. The sin needs to stop. I am unable to forgive myself and let go of my shame because of the sins I've committed, and the sins that I am still committing. This is not good. If I cannot love myself, how can I love others? I've told myself to stop a number of times, but the cycle continues. At one point during the prayer meeting, I was sitting and bowing my head, praying for change. And out of nowhere, Grace Back comes to sit by me. She told me, "The Holy Spirit told me to come pray for you. I feel that there's something bothering you." I said nothing, I was in total shock. Tears suddenly fell down from my eyes. Then Danny came over to where I was sitting as well, and they both started praying for me. As they put their hands on me and started praying, I was crying and thanking God for sending these two great people for me. They clearly saw through my mask and found what was in my heart. (I know in one of my previous blogs I said that I was able to stop wearing this mask, but fear and self-consciousness overtook me once again. *sigh*) Afterwards, I thanked them, then Danny said, "I can tell that you've been carrying a lot of shame on your back. Find it in your heart to forgive yourself, because all of your sins have been taken care of." This really inspired me to do something about myself. I want to forgive myself, but before I do, I will repent. And this time, for good.
After prayer meeting ended, I stayed in the sanctuary. I sat in the front pew, staring at the huge cross hung up on the wall, admiring Him. I started crying again, I don't know why though. Maybe they were tears of happiness, who knows. I prayed for about ten minutes, praying that that today would be the end of a vicious cycle, that today my life would be different, that today I would stop SAYING, and start DOING. And that today would be the day for CHANGE.
B-Tang
