Broken

A lot has been on my mind the past few days.. Well, they've always been in my mind, but just lately they've become bigger problems. Problems that have been in my life for a long time, and problems that are just newly emerging. I don't like blogging. I can never fully express how I feel through writing; It's hard to get the full picture just by reading my blogs. Another reason why I don't like blogging is because it takes FOREVER to write. I suck at writing and it takes a long time to translate how I'm feeling into words. (It's currently 7:59 as I'm starting, let's see when I'll finish.) But I guess it's one of the best ways to tell others how I'm doing, so I guess it's worth it.

I don't even know how to describe how I've been feeling.. Lost? Angry? Sad? Sick? Maybe broken? I don't know what it is, but it feels like crap. I guess it's not just one thing that's contributing to this crapiness, but a lot of different things. Here are just a few:

I live with two people. My mom and my younger brother. I love them both so much, but I don't feel close with them at all. They've made home a place where I don't want to be. Whenever I talk to either of them, it always ends up being an argument. My mom always yells at me. Whether it be about not studying enough, constantly reminding me to do my homework WHILE I'm doing my homework, being lazy, staying home too much, NOT staying home too much, too much church, whatever. It's like she has nothing good to say. But I don't want to make it seem like I'm complaining, because some of it is my fault. Whenever I'm at home not doing homework, I'm either napping or on the computer. I can see why that might anger her. She needs help around the house and I'm not doing anything. I'm so useless when it comes to helping my family. And it's sad. I'm talking about how I don't enjoy being at home when I have the power to change that.

The relationship I have with my mother is actually a lot better than the one with my brother. I never really was close with my brother. I mean when we were younger, sure, but as we grew in age, we grew apart in distance as well. We are two completely different people. A lot of people say we look similar, but that's probably the only similarity we have. We argue, but over the dumbest things. When we disagree over something so insignificant as let's say, who gets to shower first, it could end up in a fist fight. Anger gets the best of me when it comes to my brother.. Especially when he brings up the topic of God, which he does in 90% of our arguments, which reminds me of the one we had two nights ago. We were fighting over $10... which honestly is not a big deal, but what really pissed me off was when he started insulting my faith. I forgot what he said exactly but it was along the lines of, "You're so gay you Jesus lover" blah blah blah. I got SO pissed and I just snapped. The argument ended after about ten minutes of shouting at each other. At the end, he told me, "Shut the fuck up and go pray." I replied by saying, "I will. I'll pray for your sorry-ass life." I made a huge mistake. Not only did I say that, but I told him that he was going to burn in hell. For the past year or two, I've been consistently praying to God, praying that my mom and my brother would open up their hearts to God, accepting Jesus as their savior. The things I said to him that night was NOT a good way to show him God's love for him. I screwed up, and it was all because of my temper. Everything is MY fault.

That night I prayed prayed prayed. I asked for forgiveness from God, hoping that he'd give me another chance with my brother.

On top of all of that, there's other stuff bothering me too. School, church, friends, etc, I don't wanna get into it and bore you guys. I feel like I'm writing a school essay, ugh. Please just pray for me and my family. Pray that I can be bold and mend this brokenness. Thank you.

(It's currently 11:18, it took me a little over 3 hours to write this fail blog. Blah. These words can't even express half of how I feel, but it felt good letting it out. I guess that's all that matters.)

Peace.